Last week I went to a haunted house that was so scary I got lost in a maze of mirrors, panicked, and then ran into my own reflection so hard that I knocked myself over. It definitely wasn’t one of my finer moments, but I can’t really blame myself because who wouldn’t panic if they saw a screaming woman running toward them? As I was relaying the story to my hamster Henry later that night (don’t judge me, he’s a good listener!) he yawned wide enough for me to see his giant hamster teeth.
If you want to talk about scary, take a look at hamster teeth. Yikes, those things are big! But what they aren’t, is dangerous, because despite those giant teeth, he’s just a little ball of snuggles, just like these critters below whom I am calling “Haunted House Failures.”
These little guys need to find some kind of fall photo shoot to be in or something, because they just are not cut out of the Haunted House world.
1. “Don’t let my kissable physique fool you, I’ve got Zombie moves that you’ve never seen before. Watch me karate chop this grass!”
2. “Look at me, I’ve got big monster feet! Big monster feet to play peek-a-BOO with!”
3. “Look into my eyes… deeply into my eyes… while I hypnotize you with my cuteness!”
4. “Pay no attention to the fact that my teeth are the size of candy sprinkles, these are fangs I tell you, vampire fangs!”
5. “You can’t see me because I’m hiding, but when you get close enough I’ll purr and scare the hair right off your head.”
6. “Do you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you? It’s me. Where’s my dinner?”
7. “Do you want scary? Leave me on the counter. Tell me you wouldn’t freak out if a cotton ball began to move by itself.”
8. “I love Halloween, it’s the one time of year I can bank on the ridiculous ‘dead rodent’ phobia to really scare people. Do you know what’s even scarier than that? The look on their faces when I wake up!”
9. “You do not want to mess with me. I’m going to glare you down and then chew up all your furniture when you aren’t looking. You want scary? Try sitting on a chair that now only has three legs.”
10. “I may look like a sweet little sugar glider, but I’ll have you know, I stole this cookie from a baby.”
11. “If I were you I would be careful with me because this Halloween, I’m going to fluff my spines, curl the ends, and go as a porcupine!”
Yeah, sorry, candy sprinkle-sized teeth and fake quills aside, I’m more scared that Henry Hamster will be jealous of me oogling these cute little faces than anything else, because these rabbits, ferrets, guinea pigs and more just don’t stand a chance at being scary.
Now if they were in a fall photo shoot where I could put one of their cute little faces popping out of a pumpkin and printed on a coffee mug, I’d be scared about the damage I would do to my credit card…